new*

There is all manner of newness at our house . . .

. . . the learning to live without Mom, to be expected kind of new . . .

. . . and second shift. Which is really a return to something old. We're second shifters and we're happy here. We know that makes us weird, but so does any number of other things! I say, welcome back to seconds!

. . . and a (slightly) new way of schooling. Homeschooling is about flexibility and determination and frequently reinventing things. I'll have to write another post to fully explain. But it's a good thing!

. . . and my motto for a new year: post tenebras lux.

. . . and finally, a new venture. Steve and I bought a domain name, created a matching email address, and are stepping out of our comfort zone. We are dreaming big dreams but taking small steps. More on that to come as things progress.

*Thoughts on new: Sometimes it's the "other than the former" kind of new. Sometimes it's the "bring back the old" kind of new. But none of it is the "new under the sun" kind of new. That's the kind of new only God does. He's the only one who does something totally new. He is the only author of "newness of life" (Romans 6).

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ,  he is  a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).

if onlys, i wishes, lasts, and before you go

When we learned of mom's illness there were some things I wanted to not miss.

We didn't get to them all and I knew we wouldn't, so I just tried to embrace the time we had with joy and not stress over it. I knew when it was all said and done there would be many "I wishes" and "why didn't we?" and "if onlys" and no matter how hard I tried I wouldn't be able to eliminate them in approximately "three-to-six months."

So we did what we could and embraced what God gave us each day the best we could. It was also too painful to be programed or purposeful about the "wishes" and "lasts" and "before you go's." Emotions for my family are not often "worn on the sleeve". We are still waters. And you know how they run. Deep. Very deep.

I wanted mom to teach the kids how to make pie crust. I never really attempted it because, well, you know I had mom for that and she did it so well. Pumpkin pie and pecan pie for Thanksgiving and strawberry pie for Easter. And of course the year I asked her to make me a chocolate pecan pie but I didn't get over for dessert to eat it. (That was four years ago. I found her handwritten notes on her computer where she Googled the recipe for my special request--an "if only" four years old I didn't even know I would have. There will be many more "if onlys" even years older as memories arise over time. See what I mean by never being able to elimnate them all in three months time?)

So when my brother's birthday came in October I chickened out when it came time to make his favorite pie and I bought them. And then Thanksgiving and I passed it off to my sister and Makenna. Just like I did the gravy making. And I skipped the homemade noodles all together, even though mom gave me personal lessons several years back. (I get a little wigged out when it comes time to boil the giblets to flavor the broth for the noodles. Do you blame me?)

So, back to last Easter--we tired mom out making pie crust from scratch (even though she had pre-made crusts in the freezer), just because I wanted her to teach the kids and I how to make her crust. She teaches well and when I choked Makenna made a Kentucky derby pie for thanksgiving. The crust turned out beautifully (although we learned that the 10" deep dish pie pan needs a double batch of filling and then more than double the cooking time.) Still, it was good! And my sister can make a mean apple pie crust which is a twist on the cinnamon rolls my mom made from the left over pie crust! Amazing!

So about those "if onlys" and "I wishes" and "lasts" and "before you go's." Tend to them now. Live each day as if tomorrow you'll be asking "why didn't I?"

what dost thou mean by the providence of God?

"The almighty and everywhere present power of God; whereby, as it were by his hand, he upholds and governs heaven, earth, and all creatures; so that herbs and grass, rain and drought, fruitful and barren years, meat and drink, health and sickness, riches and poverty, yea, and all things come, not by chance, but by his fatherly hand" (The Heidelberg Catechism).

Recent events have lead me to the study of God's providence. I love the book of Ruth. And I love Naomi. She attributed the loss of her husband, her sons, and being left unprotected in a foreign land,  to God's providence. Not just the good stuff, but the bad too.

"....for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. I went out full, but the Lord has brought me back empty" (Ruth 1:20, 21).

Now I don't know if she was asking, but I did on her behalf: how will God work this together "for the good of those who love him" (Romans 8:28)?

Well, He does, and He does it in a big way! What appears to be chance, luck, and circumstance for Naomi and Ruth is actually "by the Father's hand." Through a hundred little "chances" He begins the line of David, the family in which Jesus will be born (Matthew 1). And with the story of Ruth He draws a beautiful picture of Christ's sacrificial love for us. The ultimate love story.

"Then Naomi took the child and laid him in her lap, and became his nurse. The neighbor women gave him a name, saying, 'A son has been born to Naomi!' So they named him Obed. He is the father of Jesse, the father of David" (Ruth 4:16-17).

I've asked, not just about the events in Naomi's life, but also about those in my own. How will God work the tragic and awful, the little and the big, the pleasant and the joyful, yea, all things, together for good in my life? If indeed I love Him, if I have been "called according to His purpose," then I can stand on the promise of Romans 8:28.

So how does it work? What good is there to come from illness, cancer, death? It's a hard question. And while I search and chase after God's truth by careful study of God's word and diligent prayer and the wise teaching of those who have gone before me, I will not fully know the answer. I will not fully understand how it can be. But I trust and ask for the faith of Abraham: "...with respect to the promise of God, he did not waver in unbelief but grew strong in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully assured that what God had promised, He was able also to perform" (Romans 4:20-21).

While I ask, how can this be? show me. He whispers to me, "I will tend to that." And I wonder, who is big enough to see to such a great task? And He whispers, "There is only One who can do this. Do you trust me?"

What God has promised He is able to perform.

10 teachings on the providence of God by John Piper:

http://www.desiringgod.org/blog/posts/the-providence-of-god-ten-part-course-from-john-piper

A sermon on Ruth 1 by Voddie Baucham:

http://www.sermonaudio.com/sermoninfo.asp?m=t&s=73112339559

in the similitude of a dream

I don't usually have remarkable dreams. But there is one I had in June when mom was sick that I want to remember. In my dream I asked her if there was anything she wanted to do while she was still healthy enough. She wanted to go home so, in classic dream fashion I think I know what she means and I take her back to the tiny town where she grew up so she could see the house. Having accomplished this, I call to her "mom, let's go, its time to go home". And when I look at her she is young and beautiful, like the pictures of mom and dad when they were in high school, and she is healthy as so happy. She responds, " you don't understand. I'm not going back. I live here now. But you have to go back." So I leave without her and the dream ends.

One of my prayers was that God would let me be there when she passed. He did not grant that request. My mom was so private and she did not want us to see her sick or be a burden on us. She was like a protective mother duck folding her wings over her ducklings to shield them from the storm. I don't believe it was my mom's desire to have us there and she slipped out the door while my brother was in the hallway, we were in the car on the way there, and my sister was across the road recovering from her own surgery.

There where a thousand little mercies the Lord showered on us this summer. One was that I got to take her as far as the gates of heaven. I got to walk along side her until it was time for me to turn back and her to keep on going. It was one of the most precious things I've even done and I am thankful for having been given such a privilege.

Revelation 21:3-7 NASB

And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, "Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be  any  death; there will no longer be  any  mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away." And He who sits on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new." And He said, "Write, for these words are faithful and true." Then He said to me, "It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. I will give to the one who thirsts from the spring of the water of life without cost. "He who overcomes will inherit these things, and I will be his God and he will be My son.

This is the sweet little house that my grandparents moved to when my mother was a teen. A house in "town" with running water and indoor facilities. How spoiled they must have felt! We had the opportunity to stop by it and look in all the windows (it is currently empty) on the way home from the graveside services. I didn't want to leave it. We visited my grandparents a lot when I was a kid and  spent many hours on the front porch swing watching the traffic whiz down the hill. We always had a front row seat to the fireman's parade! Sitting on the porch was a way to be outside even in the rain. And the swing was a favored place to line up visitors for a picture. Sometimes too many people would pile on and I'd watch the springs stretch. We only broke the chain once that I can remember. And no matter what they say it wasn't my fault. I just happened to be the last one to hop on. I have spent most of my adult life trying to recreate this little house in some small part in all the homes I've live in.

taste and see

I'm beginning the task of putting life back in order. It's harder than I thought it'd be. All the activity of the last month has been such a distraction. The long quiet days at home with my babies that I love so much look a little too quiet. When I think about mom she seems like a shadow that I can't get my hands around and as we sort through her things and her condo empties out the edges of the shadow blur and she seems to fade further from my sight.  It is not easy to get back to the business of everyday life. Some days normal tasks can seem so heavy. But I don't have to wonder where the strength will come from. I stand on God's promises and take refuge in Him. He is good!

"O taste and see that the Lord is good;
How blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!" Psalm 34:8

on strawberry jelly

In years past the girls and I, together with my mom, sister, and nieces, have picked strawberries and then spent the day making jam and canning it. This June we were able to pick berries and my mom helped us with the canning and pie crust! In typical fashion, we picked too many berries and couldn't process all of them in one day, no matter how many berries M3 ate throughout the day.

We closed out the day with a double batch of berries cleaned, cut, crushed, and stirred together with a million cups of sugar. It was the plan to make this batch without Sure gel according to the canning book recipe. And we left the mixture in the fridge overnight to finish the next day (not according to the recipe).

The plan was for the girls and I to return to my sisters the next day, cook the berries and process them that afternoon. My sister was at work so Makenna and I boiled the water for the hot water bath that would seal the jars, sterilized jars and lids, and boiled the berries in an effort to get them to their gelling point.

That's where the plan fell apart. I couldn't get the berries to gel and my faithful mother spent the afternoon babysitting the boiling brew with me, reading the canning book, and calling more experienced canners for advice. At one point she was napping on the couch (this was only weeks before she passed and she tired very easily from all the extra activity) but she still jumped to her feet and rescued me when the pot boiled over and caught on fire.

I never did get those berries to gel (I just canned it thinking it would make good ice cream sauce) but I will always remember how mom never stopped being my mom. Even as sick as she was she still did everything she could to help me with my crazy projects (like making jelly without Sure gel). I miss being able to call her when I can't figure out the instructions to a crochet pattern or need help with a recipe. I'm still not sure if I can make a thanksgiving turkey without her help. And I never did figure out how to get my homemade noodles to taste like hers. She still had a lifetime of advice to give me. There is still so much more I need to learn from her. And there are still so many more questions I want to ask. Like why didn't my berries ever gel, for starters.

on motherhood

As you may know, mom passed away on July 14 at 7:50am. She was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer late March and on April 13th told she had 3-6 months to live at her first oncologist appointment. At the time I commented that it was difficult for me to imagine mom going from mom, healthy and active as ever at 71, to being sick enough to lose her in that amount of time. I still can't imagine it and I was there. At one point she called this whole process her journey home. She said that she was ok with where she was going it was getting there that was the problem. I am okay with where she is but not ok with her being away from me. I don't even know if that makes sense but that is where I am. I am continually amazed at how God used the situation to bring glory to Himself in the tiniest little detail and how He answers prayers. He cares for us and loves us and I hope I never forget all the precious ways He showed me that over the last few months and all the incredible things He showed me about my mom, who she was and how He uses moms to make us who He wants us to be. Even in our darkest moments He is shaping us and using us to shape others. I see a small glimpse into how He used mom to bring me up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord" from the day she had me until this very moment. She is my mom still.

Containing Updates on Various Topics

And they remembered that God was their rock, and the Most High God their Redeemer.

psalm 78:35

Thank you all for your prayers, help with the kids, and meals over the last month. My mother has chosen to stop chemo treatments and start care with Hospice. Her Hospice nurses and social worker offer support and knowledge that we desperately needed and we are thankful. Many of you may know that while we are caring for my mom, my sister battles her own health issues which keep presenting new complications and for which her doctors are still determining course of action. Please keep her in your continued prayers as well. I am privileged to daily witness the strength of my mother and sister and know that the Lord uses these very things to refine, shape, and mold us into the people He intends us to be.

Many things can wait.

Children cannot.

Today their bones are being formed,

their blood is being made,

their senses are being developed.

To them we cannot say "tomorrow."

Their name is today.

gabriel mistral

Last month Steve and I had the opportunity to take and finish all 36 hours of the foster/adoption classes in our county. We hold in our possession 12 certificates of completion for each class and a rather overwhelming packet that will start a homestudy: application, fire inspection, safety audit, financial statement, medical forms for each member of the family, so on and so forth. I give all the glory to our Father for He alone made it possible for us to complete these classes with all that is going on in our families. As we move through this process (what seems to me as a snails pace--I can be so impatient), I trust in God's perfect timing. He alone knows why He has brought us into this process at this particular time in our lives. He alone knows who waits for us, who He will place in our care and for how long and when. While my flesh feels anxious to proceed I remind myself that a Sovereign God holds these families and babies in His care, and He is infinitely wiser than I. So I focus on being obedient to His word, completing the tasks on our checklist, and I wait for the Lord. And while I wait I pray. Please pray with us for the families we may come into contact. For their babies, those already born and those yet to be born. Pray for a hedge of protection to be around them, that the Holy Spirit may soften their hearts, unstop their ears, and that God's word would be sent forth to heal and to save.  Pray that the generation to come, a generation yet to be born will know the Lord.

My people, hear my teaching;

listen to the words of my mouth.

I will open my mouth with a parable;

I will utter hidden things, things from of old—

things we have heard and known,

things our ancestors have told us.

We will not hide them from their descendants;

we will tell the next generation

the praiseworthy deeds of the LORD,

his power, and the wonders he has done.

He decreed statutes for Jacob

and established the law in Israel,

which he commanded our ancestors

to teach their children,

so the next generation would know them,

even the children yet to be born,

and they in turn would tell their children.

Then they would put their trust in God

and would not forget his deeds

but would keep his commands.

They would not be like their ancestors—

a stubborn and rebellious generation,

whose hearts were not loyal to God,

whose spirits were not faithful to him.

psalm 78:1-8

Sometimes a thunderbolt will shoot from a clear sky; and sometimes, into the midst of a peaceful family--without warning of gathered storm above or slightest tremble of earthquake beneath--will fall a terrible fact, and from that moment everything is changed. The air is thick with cloud, and cannot weep itself clear. There may come a gorgeous sunset, though.

george macdonald

On Disjointed Thoughts

So many things stir my heart I don't know where to begin.

I'm usually reluctant to hastily put together a half-baked blog post. Too many ill-considered things, better left unsaid, fill the Internet and our cell phones. And sadly, I have authored many of those things. But I'm going to try to keep some updates more regularly, which means some of them may be clumsy and poorly worded. Time is limited and most of my writing time is spent multitasking (ie, running kids back and forth to the bathroom at the library), so the usual consideration I might give to grammar, style and spelling will suffer. I'm also going to be pretty transparent and many of my thoughts are rough, my emotions raw and tender to the touch, as I've not had the usual time I like to take to think things through. But I'm willing to be transparent in the effort to elicit your prayers and give glory to God for all that He is doing.

"Therefore if you have been raised up with Christ, keep seeking the things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth" (Colossians 3:1-2).

My mom and I walked into a chemo room for the first time last Monday and entered into a new way of living, a new season of life. Many of you know my mom was diagnosed with stage IV pancreatic cancer little over a month ago. Suddenly everything shrinks in perspective and all that is before me is my sovereign God, eternity, and the eternal souls of man. Not much else matters much. We are told by the doctors that there is no cure. How did this happen? The doctor actually shrugged his shoulders and said, We don't know. How will I have the strength to walk this road beside my mother? With my family and church walking beside me, and my sovereign God going before me.

"The Lord God is my strength, And He has made my feet like hinds' feet, And makes me walk on my high places" (Habakkuk 3:19).

Now let me tell you how important it is to meditate on the word of God, hiding it in your heart, setting it always before you. The scripture that God has put before me (Colossians from my daily devotional Table Talk, Habakkuk from a Bible study I try to attend, bits and pieces from sermons months old and my daily reading) is a firm foundation beneath my feet, the corner stones and pillars that hold me up and protect my fragile frame. If you want to hear the voice of God, if you want to know what He is saying to you, fill your mind and heart with His word. He speaks to us today from this book. Don't miss it.

This is the scripture that comforted me last Wednesday night during the heavy wind and after Mom had a very difficult day. The wind was so strong that I could feel the house and my bed shake. The weight of the day so heavy that my soul shook. Praise God who controls the storm!

"Those who go down to the sea in ships, Who do business on great waters; They have seen the works of the LORD, And His wonders in the deep. For He spoke and raised up a stormy wind, Which lifted up the waves of the sea. They rose up to the heavens, they went down to the depths; Their soul melted away in their misery. They reeled and staggered like a drunken man, And were at their wits' end. Then they cried to the LORD in their trouble, And He brought them out of their distresses.

He caused the storm to be still,

So that the waves of the sea were hushed. Then they were glad because they were quiet, So He guided them to their desired haven. Let them give thanks to the LORD for His lovingkindness, And for His wonders to the sons of men! Let them extol Him also in the congregation of the people, And praise Him at the seat of the elders" (Psalm 107:23-32).

Children are waiting. This is a link to my friends blog. The Lord has been stirring our heart for the needs of orphan children for over a year and we have been praying about what the Lord would have for our family. I know others are being stirred as well. We've prayed about adopting and fostering. We've looked at overseas adoption. We've considered  the cost of private adoption. But recently the Lord is pricking our heart for the babies in our county and the ones that need temporary care while their mothers are in prison. I don't know what the Lord is doing, but He is moving and He is always at work. I don't know what any of this will amount to for us personally, if anything. But would you join me in praying for those that are in prison? Would you pray for their babies? Would you pray that His word would have free reign and not be bound by prison bars? Would you ask that God raise up for Himself an army of people that worships Him right here in Union County?

I don't want to work to fill up my barn to overflowing so I can "protect" myself against impending storms. I don't want to retire to collect sea shells on the beach and read all the books I'll never get to while my kids are at home. I want to leave this life with nothing, to squander myself and all I have for the cause of Christ. To pour all that He blesses me with out onto my children, my family, my neighbor, the widow, the orphan, those in prison, the hungry, the lost. Those are the treasures that we store up in heaven. They are rare jewels being set with precious metal in our future crowns. A crown that we can lay at Jesus' feet when we meet Him face to face.