if onlys, i wishes, lasts, and before you go

When we learned of mom's illness there were some things I wanted to not miss.

We didn't get to them all and I knew we wouldn't, so I just tried to embrace the time we had with joy and not stress over it. I knew when it was all said and done there would be many "I wishes" and "why didn't we?" and "if onlys" and no matter how hard I tried I wouldn't be able to eliminate them in approximately "three-to-six months."

So we did what we could and embraced what God gave us each day the best we could. It was also too painful to be programed or purposeful about the "wishes" and "lasts" and "before you go's." Emotions for my family are not often "worn on the sleeve". We are still waters. And you know how they run. Deep. Very deep.

I wanted mom to teach the kids how to make pie crust. I never really attempted it because, well, you know I had mom for that and she did it so well. Pumpkin pie and pecan pie for Thanksgiving and strawberry pie for Easter. And of course the year I asked her to make me a chocolate pecan pie but I didn't get over for dessert to eat it. (That was four years ago. I found her handwritten notes on her computer where she Googled the recipe for my special request--an "if only" four years old I didn't even know I would have. There will be many more "if onlys" even years older as memories arise over time. See what I mean by never being able to elimnate them all in three months time?)

So when my brother's birthday came in October I chickened out when it came time to make his favorite pie and I bought them. And then Thanksgiving and I passed it off to my sister and Makenna. Just like I did the gravy making. And I skipped the homemade noodles all together, even though mom gave me personal lessons several years back. (I get a little wigged out when it comes time to boil the giblets to flavor the broth for the noodles. Do you blame me?)

So, back to last Easter--we tired mom out making pie crust from scratch (even though she had pre-made crusts in the freezer), just because I wanted her to teach the kids and I how to make her crust. She teaches well and when I choked Makenna made a Kentucky derby pie for thanksgiving. The crust turned out beautifully (although we learned that the 10" deep dish pie pan needs a double batch of filling and then more than double the cooking time.) Still, it was good! And my sister can make a mean apple pie crust which is a twist on the cinnamon rolls my mom made from the left over pie crust! Amazing!

So about those "if onlys" and "I wishes" and "lasts" and "before you go's." Tend to them now. Live each day as if tomorrow you'll be asking "why didn't I?"