waiting for someday

Do you ever find yourself longing for "someday"?

As a young(er) mom of four babies under the age of six, I often looked at the piles of toys and books and dishes and laundry and thought, "when... then... if..." At one point in my life I was searching and waiting. Waiting for something big to happen. For God to write out words in the clouds revealing to me what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, for some grand calling. "When these kids grow up, then..." I wondered what my "spiritual gifts" were. I wondered what my ministry was. I looked at all the other moms and how they served over there and did this and worked on that and felt like I was doing nothing worth while.

"When these kids grow up, then..."

Paul and Silas didn't seem to have that attitude. They were wrongfully arrested, falsely accused, beaten with metal rods tied in a bundle, and thrown into the deepest part of the prison where their legs were spread as far as they could go and their ankles put in stocks. And there they waited. For what? A trial? More beatings? Death?

I don't know what these men prayed for at midnight. If we know Paul, we can guess he was praying that God's word would not be bound, that the door to be wide open for gospel! They certainly were singing hymns of praise. And you know what? The prisoners were listening.

And when God moved, did they take off running? No, they stayed right were they were. They were instrumental in saving not only the physical life of the jailer but also his spiritual life. They spoke the word of the Lord to him! They told his family about Jesus. They baptized him.

I can get so caught up in my circumstances. Like I'm in a holding cell, waiting for my "real ministry" to begin. I overlook the ministry of my "right here and now." I get myself over-committed because I push aside my babies, looking over the tops of their heads, trying to catch a glimpse through the crowd of what I perceive to be a better ministry  "out there."

What would if have been like if Paul and Silas thought the same of the other prisoners? What if they saved their songs and prayers for when they were released?

God has placed me in a country where I am free to teach my babies at home. Free, without fear of reprisal, to teach them about how He made everything, and how He made them, about our sin and His grace, about the absolutes found in His word. God has placed in my home four babies that are sinners and need to hear His story of redemption everyday--24/7! I get to mentor them and disciple them every single moment. It's not about "when... then... if." It's about here. It's about now. It's about this man and these kids and the people at the grocery and the doctor's office and the gas station and sitting in the church pew next to me, and wherever else God sends us.

Look at your current season in life as an opportunity. Work now to create a vision for the ministry of the home that God has entrusted to YOU.

Start with your husband. What needs of his are you setting aside until "when... then... if..."? Are you committed to praying for him? Do you have a spirit of "singing hymns of praise" while you do your chores, make dinner, care for the kids, fold his socks? What does he desire that you can take the initiative to do without him asking? What's the one thing he dreads doing that you could do for him? How can you make his mornings run smoothly and his evenings more peaceful?

Then look at your kiddos. Are you looking over them to other ministries outside the home. Are you gazing longingly at "someday"? Do you pray and sing hymns in their presence? Do you speak the word of God to them? Do you take them with you in ministry opportunities? Do you save your best for someone else, some other time, a different place?

God has given me a grand calling. What bigger words of confirmation of my ministry do I need than a positive pregnancy test? Seriously, words in the clouds would be fun. But isn't it enough that God, the creator of the universe, saw fit to put these kids in my care? Truth is, all that He has given, my "right here and now," is enough. I don't need to wait on a better calling!

inactively active

As a followup to my last post, some teaching on the unbelief of envy by John Piper from Psalm 37:

Battling the Unbelief of Envy

I have been studying Psalm 32 and found this a good followup to Pastor's sermon on Sunday regarding sin:

How Not to be a Mule

And a scripture I cling to, because it seems to be my way to race ahead of God... 

Since ancient times no one has heard,

no ear has perceived,
no eye has seen any God besides you,

who acts on behalf of those who wait for him. 

Isaiah 64:4

In my waiting, my inactivity is not to do nothing, but rather to get to work being obedient right here, right now. 

And He works on my behalf for all of those other things I long for and cry out for, He works His perfect will.

And who is better equipped for this work? 

little, old me? 

or 

an infinity wise, all-powerful, and all-knowing God who stands outside of time, who sees all of me, and pours out His lovingkindness on little, old me?

Help me to be always devoted, confident, obedient, 

resigned, childlike in my trust of thee, 

to love thee with soul, body, mind, strength, 

to love my fellow-man as I love myself, 

to be saved from unregenerate temper, hard thoughts, 

slanderous words, meanness, unkind manners, 

to master my tongue and keep the door of my lips. 

(from A Cry for Deliverance, Valley of Vision)

here

From a biography of Theodore Roosevelt I read this simple description of his mother:

She had "an unbound delight in being where she was and who she was."

delight, unbound

with where and who she was

I  have looked outside my domain and coveted other ministries, even the size and makeup of other families. Is that a weird thing to covet? 

I have battled the little voice that whispers, "it's not enough." 

I have divided my time to the point where I'm not really doing anything well. And when put all back together, I start dividing again.

Mary and Martha. One said, "Jesus is enough."

The other said, "why aren't you doing?"

Me being who I am and where I am. It's not random. God placed me here. He gave me a calling to die to my desires and pour out the love of the gospel here. Where I am. Who I am. Today. To this man and these babies and whoever else comes along.

here is where I learn to love Him more

here is where He teaches me to pour out that love

Jesus is enough, here

And we know that the death of a seed does not make the end of the life. A new life grows. Could the seed even imagine it? Could the seed even desire it?

lose your life to find it

This a daily prayer, a daily giving over.

The world is artful to entrap, 

approaches in fascinating guise,

extends many a gilded bait,

presents many a charming face.

Let my faith scan every painted bauble,

and escape every bewitching snare

in a victory that overcomes all things.

In my duties give me firmness, energy, zeal,

devotion to they cause,

courage in thy name,

love as a working grace,

and all commensurate with my trust.

Let faith stride forth in giant power,

and love respond with energy in every act. 

(from Valley of Vision, Faith and the World)

new*

There is all manner of newness at our house . . .

. . . the learning to live without Mom, to be expected kind of new . . .

. . . and second shift. Which is really a return to something old. We're second shifters and we're happy here. We know that makes us weird, but so does any number of other things! I say, welcome back to seconds!

. . . and a (slightly) new way of schooling. Homeschooling is about flexibility and determination and frequently reinventing things. I'll have to write another post to fully explain. But it's a good thing!

. . . and my motto for a new year: post tenebras lux.

. . . and finally, a new venture. Steve and I bought a domain name, created a matching email address, and are stepping out of our comfort zone. We are dreaming big dreams but taking small steps. More on that to come as things progress.

*Thoughts on new: Sometimes it's the "other than the former" kind of new. Sometimes it's the "bring back the old" kind of new. But none of it is the "new under the sun" kind of new. That's the kind of new only God does. He's the only one who does something totally new. He is the only author of "newness of life" (Romans 6).

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ,  he is  a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come" (2 Corinthians 5:17).